Pages From My Journal: Haiti, Day 6

2 March 2010

Today, after much coaxing, I stayed home. I am exhausted and just feeling awful. I think last night did me in. So, Julia and Corey convinced me to stay in bed. I took some Tylenol PM and tried to go back to sleep with my iPod attached to my ears. Soon I began coughing, so I broke down and took some Afrin because I wanted to rest. Finally I got to sleep and Dan knocked on my door with an antibiotic that my team had gotten for me from the "pharmacy" at the guesthouse. An hour later, more knocks were heard from Haitian's working for the hotel. They were coming to look at our bathroom, I think. They were here for all of five minutes. All the while I tried to appear pleasant and welcoming in my groggy state. I have no idea what they said. They left and I was finally alone. I slept on and off until about 1400, then took a shower, wrote an e-mail, then tried to lay back down, but coughing kept me awake. So, now I'm just waiting for everyone to return from the clinics.

I have really enjoyed listening to our "wake up mix" on my iPod. I have been able to focus on the words and have found comfort in the worship. It has been a really long time since I have had a day of complete rest. A true sabbath of reflecting and resting in His presence was SO needed. If just for that, today was worth it.

I am struggling with my purpose here. I want to be useful and help and work hard, however I am exhausted and sick and I feel like I just wasted a day. I know this isn't true because how can I help others if I don't take care of myself? But how can I afford to take a day off when these people suffer like they do? I also feel so calloused. I have felt absolutely no emotion. Yes, it's devastating, but it is so surreal. I still feel like I am not seeing reality even though it is right in front of me. Maybe it's partly due to people going back to every day business. The clinics are seeing primary care. No longer are these injuries caused by the earthquake. Maybe I've put up a wall between my emotions and the rest of who I am. Perhaps God is protecting me from complete devastation. Maybe when I get home everything will come crashing down. I just want to feel something!

Lord, I want to know you deeper than I have before. I want to be intimate with you. Draw me to yourself. Gather me under your wing. Protect me from evil, but help me to learn what lessons you would have me learn, no matter how hard. Help me to accept that from you. Amen.